Almost a week later I feel as though I be able to comprehend emotionally and spiritually something that happened to me about a week ago. After prayer, I feel like this needs to be shared.
This story requires a back story from when I was six years old, sitting in a youth service at my old church. My pastor was explaining to us how to know when we feel God. He described it as a cold sensation that you’ll feel. I prayed for God to let me feel him, and I did. At six years old, I felt coldness on my back and I just knew it was God. There was and still is no doubt, that Sunday I felt Jesus Christ physically for the first time. Alas, I didn’t feel it again after that. During worship, I would feel God in my heart but never physically on my skin and in my bones. That’s just not how I thought I felt the Lord. It didn’t bother me because I know God is there always.
However, lately I have struggled greatly with if I am meant to pursue music in college. I have always thought that maybe I wasn’t good enough or I wasn’t really cut out for music and choir in college. I know that is the devil putting thoughts into my mind, but it is something I have struggled with for a really long time. I would pray, “God, where are you? Guide me!” and I felt frustrated. I felt lost and couldn’t understand why I God wasn’t pulling me where he wanted me to go right then and there. I auditioned for a choir at my college, and didn’t end up making the choir I wanted to make. I began doubting my talents, a lot.
Then Sunday evening rolls around and we have a worship service before the dubbing ceremony where we would all be dubbed as a crusader for life (which was SO frackin cool). I was singing and just gave my all to God while worshipping. I had my hands up high and I was singing “I am a child of God!” and for the first time I meant it. Suddenly I felt warm hands on my back and I started bawling my eyes out. I knew it was Jesus. I pulled my arms into my chest and let the Lord comfort me and I cried and cried. In that moment I knew I was where Jesus called me to be and doing what he has called me to do. All stress and anxiety I had instantly faded and my heart felt new! All hate and doubt and jealously I had was lifted and Jesus replaced everything with His love!
I suppose my point in writing about something so personal is just to say that God loves you SO much no matter how broken you think you are, Jesus is greater than your brokenness. He is so much bigger than any plan you may have for yourself. He is greater than me and my desires and after submitting to him, I enjoy more than anything where I am at with my life and my music and I am so looking forward to God showing me more parts of His plan for me. God gave me many gifts, one of which is singing and I don’t need any choir that I want to validate that. God gave ME a gift and I am so thankful to be able to share that gift with others! It just puts me even more on fire for the Lord!!
Thank you everyone for reading and being supportive! It’s such a blessing to write about my walk with God! God bless y’all!
wife // local kids pastor // mama to my heaven boy + my rainbow girl