April 26, 2020

Can I be really real? 

Well, that’s what’s happening. 

By the time I post this, it will mark the day I was supposed to be getting married to Noah. 

Ouch. That hurt. 

This is the day that I was supposed to wake up for the last time as an unmarried woman. I was supposed to get coffee with my MOH and meet my bridesmaids at the venue. 

This is the day I was supposed to be getting ready, hair, makeup, photos, all leading up to finally being Noah’s wife… and that’s no longer what we celebrate today. 

I have found myself quietly thinking this week “It shouldn’t be this way, it should have never been this way…” or I think about how long we have waited. I think about our almost 9 years of friendship, the 4 and a half years of dating, and the longing I have had to marry Noah since I was 17. Yes, 17 years old. I have found myself caught somewhere in the messy space between being so upset that I won’t be Noah's wife today, He won’t be my husband and we will not be one, and in that same messy space being so thankful for Jesus and His great love… and feeling completely incapable of expressing what this feels like in words that anyone else could understand. 

And still, on this day that was supposed to be the best day of my life, it’s not. 

I would love to say I am writing this and posting this on my silly little blog because I have some amazing wisdom or tips for you- but that’s not true. 

I’m posting this because I am hurting in a way I didn’t know my heart could hurt. I am longing in a way I didn’t know was possible. It’s messy. And I know I’m not alone. 

It was never supposed to be like this. 

Except it was. 

Except God knew since before we picked our date, April 26, 2020 that it would get postponed. Except it was supposed to be like this. Except God really knows what’s best for me, even if His best for me means feeling like my heart is being ripped out. 

Except it was always supposed to be like this. I don’t understand and I wish I could say I have handled it all with grace but that’s a big ol lie. 

So here I sit, caught in this messy space, forced to sit in a thick fog and seek one thing: Jesus. Most of this week my brain has been scattered and distracted and foggy. I find myself seeking his clairity. 

So what if God wanted me to postpone my wedding. So what if it was really supposed to be like this for reasons that I don’t get to know right now, or maybe ever. Because I’m not entitled to that. I am not entitled for an explanation from God as to why he does what he does. 

One of my friends said last week to our youth something along the lines of “Grace always humbles you, it shows you that God is always above and you are not.” 

I know that Noah and I will get married. I don’t have doubt in that area. And I’m hurting, really deeply. 

So it was always going to be like this. 

And so will come a day when I walk down the aisle to my groom and he will become my husband and we will celebrate before God and with our friends and family. We will worship, we will dance, we will sing, and the Scibana’s will go home and life will go on. The sun will rise again. And we will be okay. It will all be okay.

My keyboard is covered in tears, so I should stop writing now. 

Those are my “first wedding day” thoughts. 

Stay tuned everyone to what our wedding plans will be. 

And to Noah- I love you and I can’t wait to be your wife.

For More info and to see our story, heres our wedding website: 

​https://www.theknot.com/us/lilly-clark-and-noah-scibana-may-2020