Hey y’all and happy Monday!! Wow, I have been going back and forth with a few ideas all weekend about what I wanted to write about because honestly I have had amazing encounters with God every day. However, after lots of praying and honestly some arguing with God, he led me to talk about my least favorite topic to talk about. Ever.
I would like to preface this by saying how much I love my family. I have the best mother in the world (shout out to Shawn you tha best girl), the best step dad, the best grandparents, aunts, uncles, all of it. I have a great family and I wouldn't be who I am without their prayer and encouragement over the last 19 years.
A topic I usually avoid talking about is my biological dad. It makes myself and probably others pretty uncomfortable. Even when people ask me about it, I have become super reserved in talking about it. I would rather sweep all of this under the rug than post about it on my blog, on the internet, ya know, where everyone can read it.
I am on here to talk about my struggles through my biological father not being part of my life because I know I am not the only one who has been through it. I am in no way a victim in this story, nor am I some hero for talking about it. Christ gives me strength, he provides for me, he comforts me and he shows me that his plan works together for the good of those who love him, and y’all, I love Jesus.
To keep this short and so I can avoid getting too emotional, I don’t have a relationship with my biological father. Typically, this doesn’t really bother me. Typically, I actually don’t feel anything in regards to that situation, I feel neutral. If I think for too long then I get angry, or sad, or what have you. Because I am so busy and I am surrounded by so many people who love me, I don’t have too much time to think about it.
On Friday at the home group I go to, a few women shared about their journeys with their fathers and I felt comfortable enough to actually share what I had been feeling because I knew I wasn’t alone, I knew I wasn’t the only one dealing with “daddy issues”, I knew that it was okay to be transparent and emotional and honest because I was understood.
In the moment of realizing all my suppressed emotions of my earthly father, I also came to understand I had a warped idea of who God is as my father. You see, because my earthly father was so inconsistent growing up, I thought that’s how God would be. I thought that if I got too comfortable that God would leave me, that once I fully trusted he would walk away from me, that he would stop trying with me, he would stop trying for a deeper relationship with me. I really had it subconsciously fixed in my mind that God was a reflection of my biological father when he can’t even compare.
The truth is, God is above all. He is not of this world, he is not confined by the characteristics I have seen in my dad, He is something so fundamentally different. He wants to talk to me everyday, he wants a deeper relationship with me, he wants to be closer to me, he wants to love me more than I could ever comprehend and he is always working with and in me. He wants me. My heavenly father wants me more than I could ever understand. See, satan has been whispering little lies into my ear that God was a reflection of the dad I have. God revealed to me His truth and I have been overwhelmed with love since Friday night.
So, if you don’t have a relationship with your earthly father, maybe he abandoned you, whatever your story is, I have good news for you: You have a father. You have a dad who loves you beyond measure, one who died and rose again just for you because he wanted to be with you for the rest of eternity. Maybe you don’t believe in God, know that he is after you. He is chasing you, he wants you. He loves you so much and I can’t express that enough. He will never leave you, ever. He will always be with you, no matter if you feel like you are on top of a mountain or in the lows of a valley, he is with you and he cares for you. He feels the hurt you do, he feels your pain, he feels your joy, he feels your excitement, he feels everything you do, that’s how much he cares for you. When I was growing up and things around me would fall through, my mom always said that her heart broke for mine. How much more so does God’s heart break for yours. I don’t care how filthy you are, what addictions you battle, what you have faced and how unworthy you think you are, there is a seat at the table of God just for you, with your name on it, and God wants to wash you clean and sit you down and feed you. He wants you. He is after you. He will not stop running until he gets you. That’s how badly he wants you. Know anyone who would run after you for 20 years without stopping for water? I do, Jesus. Know anyone who would die the most humiliating, brutal, painful death for you? I do, Jesus.
Recently, with some of my friends, we read Psalm 121 which says, “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you— the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.”
Facts: God has not taken a break from working in you. God has not walked away from you, God has not slept, he wants to see you redeemed. He is where your help comes from, God is the one who is always watching over you.
If you feel like God may leave you, like he might be a reflection of the kind of mother or father you have experienced, let me tell you that He’s not. Put your trust in him, your love, your everything and just see what happens. He loves you.
I know so many people have stories that they don’t share our of fear, and every week my hope is to be totally honest to show you, its okay to share your story. I would love to hear from of my readers about your stories. I would love to talk and pray with you, so please shoot me an email!!
I am praying for all of you, and thank you for reading. I love writing and it means so much to be encouraged by those around me. You will never know what your support of my blog means to me. So, thank you.
Till next Monday folks. Have a blessed week!!
wife // local kids pastor // mama to my heaven boy + my rainbow girl