As some of you have noticed, as a college student, my semester is getting ready to wrap up. I’ve got about a month of school left before I’m out for my winter break which is honestly insane. With all of this, comes much stress. Like, an insane amount of stress. Honestly, I could drop my pen and that would cause a meltdown.
Friday night, I was by myself and didn’t have any plans. I started feeling lonely and my stomach was in knots and I thought I might have some kind of anxiety attack if I stayed in my dorm any longer. So, I left my roommate a note, grabbed my keys and my purse and left. I sat in my car for a few minutes, I didn’t know where I was going, so I just started driving. I silently drove for a while, no radio, no nothing. I eventually turned on the radio and anyone who drives in my car knows that I usually keep my radio station on a Christian radio station. So, when I first turned the volume up I was like “really Jesus not right now”. Rather than turning it off, I let the song play quietly. It was “Oceans” by Hillsong. Y’all know that really intense part of the song, the like 28554838 time they sing the bridge and it started to resonate with me. “Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet have ever wandered, and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior” and I just started crying. Uncontrollably crying, actually. The song ended and I sat, pulled over on the side of the road to dry my eyes and get my breathing under control.
When I did finally get myself together, I began driving again. I started talking, I didn’t expect any kind of response or answer right then and there or at all even. I started talking to God because I needed to tell someone what was going on in my head who wouldn’t judge me or say false words of affirmation. I needed to talk to someone completely real and in that moment and everyone that has followed, God has felt like the most real thing ever. So, the purpose of this blog is to give you a script of some kind of the most amazing conversation I had friday night, driving down a long, dark, lonely road. So here it is.
“God, I don’t really know what to say right now. I wish I did. It’s been awhile since I talked to you, and I’m sorry…”
“Look, I know you already know what’s going on in my head better than I do so can I just scream about it for a second? I don’t know where my life is at and where it’s going and I am scared and I feel helpless and I can’t control anything. I’m falling apart and there’s no one who I can open up to without feeling like a freaking charity case. I felt like you were leading me to music because of a gift you gave me but I don’t know because I am not improving as much as I want to even with all the practice I do. I’m not as good as my peers and I feel like I’m drowning.”
More, honestly painful silence. I just wanted God to grab my shoulders and tell me everything would be okay and I wasn’t getting that. I became frustrated.
“God I can’t take this anymore. I cannot take the pain that’s in my heart. I feel unloved and I feel heartbroken and I feel untalented and useless. I pour into others so much and it’s leaving me feeling empty and bitter. I just want to feel loved like I love other people. God, I have so much passion for other people. I thrive on seeing them happy, but I feel a kind of loneliness after I build up others so much. God I need to know I am loved.”
I started looking at the stars and I heard a real actual voice say, “How you love the stars is how I love you”
Anyone who knows me knows my fascination with the stars, I just love them. The stars are pure and they do nothing but exist and I love them for that. I love that they burn so bright and for so long that they burn themselves out. Some call that kinda morbid, but I also think it’s beautiful. I marvel at the stars often. For God to say how I love the stars is how he loves me, I just. I can’t comprehend that.
I literally was dumbfounded. To some I understand that this really doesn’t seem like a big deal, but I have prayed for years to hear God’s voice. I did on Friday night and I just cried.
I began singing and praising God for his good works on the Earth and his good works in my heart. I began to praise him and yell about how much I love Him and that’s a kind of high I want to be on for the rest of my life.
I know some people are going to think I have lost my mind, but hear this. In the midst of what felt like an anxiety attack, God calmed my heart beat. His hands touched me and He spoke his love onto me. Sometimes we get so focused on what we do for others that we forget to turn to the Lord for his strength. I felt demons that have been in my heart leave. I felt jealousy and anxiety leave my heart. I suppose my point here is that prayer brings a fruitful spiritual life and taking to my Daddy never fails to fill my heart.
So, a note to those struggling, and yes this really is directed towards all of us struggling college kids. It’s hard. This crap is hard. The semester is ending and we are all so stressed out and tired and sleep deprived. I urge you to sacrifice time to spend with the Father. It’s healthy for your soul and putting God first always makes time for everything else that you need to do. Jesus is good and even with finals coming up know he is good, he is faithful, and he loves you more than you will ever be able to imagine. You are so loved, and cared for and you do have a purpose that is greater than your degree plan. You have many gifts, you are treasured and you are lovely.
Finish out the semester strong and finish it with Jesus!!
Thank you everyone for reading this exceptionally long blog post! God bless!
wife // local kids pastor // mama to my heaven boy + my rainbow girl